Recently in one of my posts I referred to the fact that much goes on in our lives that we dont talk about publicly. I wasn't ready to discuss it then, but perhaps now I can.
Life is a circle. We start out needing all the care in the world, and we end our lives often needing all the care in the world. In both cases, no one person can do it all. It really does take a village to care for both ends of our lives.
Back in mid-September 2017, when I returned to NZ to help my cousin following the death of her mother, my own mother, eldest of her family, was in good health and otherwise 'with it', though her memory was not good. I didnt see a lot of her at that time because I was otherwise occupied supporting my cousin. When I left NZ, I was secure in the knowledge that my own mother was still successfully taking care of herself in her independent living situation. At least that was the impression she gave at the time. As always, her thoughts were for others and she didnt want to be a burden to me at a time when my efforts were needed elsewhere.
Cousin (living in California) and I (living in Florida) spent 10 frantic days dealing with the aftermath of her family tragedy in NZ, clearing out the house, putting it up for sale, and the myriad small and large things that go with such an event. So, I am familiar with some of what goes on at such a time.
Cousin and I were not alone throughout the process. Many people (literally from the village my Aunt and Uncle had been a part of for most of their lives) came into our lives, went beyond the call, put themselves out in ways that were almost divine intervention for us, and family rallied to support us emotionally, physically and whatever way they could, within the bounds of their own busy lives.
Small things such as a vase of beautiful flowers left for us upon our arrival in NZ, and beds made up in the family home so that we didnt have to, under the stressful circumstances, contributed to feelings of care and familial love.
Cousins husband did not make the journey as they were in the process of selling their home prior to an interstate move. He was supportive from a distance.
Waz was back in Florida preparing for a Hurricane which left us temporarily homeless, and our Marina neighbors (who stayed throughout the Hurricane on their boat, with their two dogs!) kept in touch with him while he was away from the boat seeking safe shelter in Georgia. In turn he kept in touch with me when that was possible given the time differences between countries. Support services in action!
My own immediate family were equally supportive both locally and from a distance. My sister living in the Pacific Northwest, USA was bereft, as our Aunt was the youngest daughter and only surviving sister to our mother, and sis felt she very much wanted to be a part of the family gatherings and the support network there, of course.
At such times it is extremely difficult being absent and thousands of miles away.
Which leads me to the latest news. This is actually more difficult to share than I had thought possible. It is extremely personal, and I hadn't wanted to talk about it until now.
When we returned to NZ in May to pack up our NZ household goods that had been in storage for 6 years, Waz and I had the opportunity to spend some concentrated time with my 89 yr old mother.
Though our brother, who lives not far from our mother, was her first point of contact and helped her in a myriad of ways, including food shopping and paying bills etc, he is father to two young teenaged sons and a business owner who is almost permanently short staffed. We have seen him in action, and the phone never stops ringing. While this is good for business, it is stressful and time consuming. He is stretched in all ways, to be sure.
His contact with our mother was almost exclusively to do with grocery shopping for her, and any other important issues that arose. He was not there with her on a daily basis, and so his knowledge of her situation was always somewhat challenged as our mother is good at putting a good face on things and making excuses as to why she shouldn't be a burden. To all of us, her unwillingness to be a burden and share how she REALLY felt or that she really needed something other than what was offered, was a travesty we had to learn to live with to some degree. It did her no favors in the long run.
Our mother has been a widow since her early 50's, never remarrying or having another man in her life. Our father died at the young age of 59 after a battle with Cancer, and our mother nursed him through that illness until he was hospitalized at the end of his life.
She has been a wonderful mother, grandmother and great grandmother, spending extended time with my sister and me at our homes in Oregon and Hawaii respectively, during the summer school holidays, for the most part. Our children grew up with a Kiwi grandma who loved nothing better than to play games with them, read books endlessly, watch performances, and do anything else that required a positive response. Our children felt close to her even though they didnt see her for most of the year. Her visits were always much anticipated.
In May, Waz and I found mum in a state that should not have happened. She was losing weight despite eating what she called a 'healthy diet'. Diet it was and any of us wanting to lose a few pounds/Kgs should do well to take a leaf out of her book. At 89, she should not have been on any diet. Listening to her describe her day, eating patterns, what she favored and why, it was discovered that she was lacking much protein in her food choices. Our mother had a great diet all right but it was not sustaining her through her day, and she spent much time feeling generally unwell and faint. Her blood pressure was all over the chart, and we arrived one morning to find the medics with her and her sitting on a gurney.
What none of us knew was that she had been struggling with this independent living situation for quite a long time, and really needed more care in so many ways. She was also having many issues with her memory and cognition. This contributed to her inability to manage her life, anymore.
Help is available in NZ through the health system and she had some, but not enough.
Waz and I worked with her over the 8 days we had available, to get her back on track and eating sufficient food for her body to catch up, and for her to feel better and get her blood pressure back to normal. Of course at 89, the body is running out of steam, and this was obvious to us. We were reluctant to leave her, but felt we left her in a position where she could carry on until my sister was to visit her in August, this year.
Mum made great positive strides in the time we had with her, but a week after we left, she was admitted to hospital with a nasty infection. The infection and resulting high fever was so nasty that she was delirious, and there was nobody there to hold her hand, as it were. This is devastating when you are a world away.
This is where, again, the village comes together.
Our sister is a Reading Specialist at her school in Oregon. She is a highly regarded senior teacher there. With the school year coming to a close, she felt she needed to make the decision to go home to NZ to be with our mother. With only ten days left on the school calendar, she applied for immediate leave which was granted. The person who retired from the position now held by my sister stepped up to the plate and took over the role again. Her colleagues and friends and family rallied to make it possible for her to leave immediately.
It has taken two months for my sister to affect the changes that were necessary for our mother to continue her life in a manner where she is supported, fed, medically cared for and monitored whilst having a measure of independence appropriate to her needs and age.
My sister worked like the very devil to put all our mother's wishes in place and while it was a highly emotional journey for both Mum and Sister, much was accomplished, thanks largely in part to our mother's positive attitude, her belief that she needed to be cared for now, and that change was a necessary part of aging. She has always been pragmatic.
Our sister was supported hugely by the lifetime friends she stayed with who had recently gone through a similar experience with their mothers, and were able to help point the way in so many ways and offer not just the emotional support she needed, but practical help as well, such as sewing name tags on Mum's clothing, to name but one instance.
This same friend has visited our mum when we aren't there, taking her shopping and tiki-touring for fun. What a gem!
Mum's brother and Sister-in Law went with my sister to view different care homes and villages, offering different points of view and being supportive where and when it was needed most. They have been wonderful!
Cousins gathered around to celebrate Mum's 90th birthday early (she is 90 on Sept. 23rd) and while my sister was in NZ. All of the cousins enjoy the opportunity to gather, and this was especially important in Mum's new home.
Our mother is now ensconced in a 5 star Care Home facility. She deserves the very best! She is well enough and gaining strength enough to walk to the dining room and interact with others like her. She is reading voraciously again I'm told and doing her word puzzles.... always a good sign. She is determined to keep what marbles she has left, working.
My sister said that when she left NZ a few days ago, Mum was attending Chair Zumba! I guess that says it all? :)
The lifetime of possessions have been distributed and donated. Books have been reviewed, either shelved in the new room or donated. The apartment is being renovated and will be sold, providing the level of care that is much needed by our beloved mother.
Mum can have her much loved music on her own stereo in her room, art on her walls and memorabilia alongside her. She has chosen not to take a whole lot of 'stuff'. Again, always the pragmatist! Mum knows that she is in a holding pattern and accepts it, though it is not an easy place to be. We pray that her health will improve now that someone else is cooking the lovely meals and she is being loved and cared for as if by her own family.
I can only tell you what has been told to me (broadly).
It is challenging to see a once vital and independent woman now in a position where she is reliant on so much care. She retains a fighting spirit and can-do attitude though. I hope I am that wise and have that fight in my old age. What a fabulous example she is!
Most days I have read my sisters posts amazed that she had the energy to write, at the end of some harrowing days, but she always shared whatever was going on with Mum, even when Mum was hospitalized a second time, three days after going home, and my sister was bed sitting there all day.
The hardest part of all this has been the photos of our mother. While she might look 100% better to my sister who has just seen her at her worst, to me they show a haggard old woman in clothing 3 sizes too large for her. It is devastating!
So now you know!
Our Florida container arrived two weeks after our return from NZ, and the NZ container arrived just one month after that. It has kept us busy, but it has been difficult some days to carry on, knowing our mum was in a health crisis on the other side of the world.
So many people were involved in this transition for our mother and will continue to be. We are grateful for their love and care and continued support.
I had just returned to live in NZ in 2005, when our mother made the decision to sell her home and move to a Retirement Village. I affected that move for her physically and in all other ways, and so this current situation is just another move in the right direction, made possible by the positive attitude of our mother who has never wanted to be a burden to anyone....and this time by my sister who has affected all those changes and made it possible for Mum's last of life stage care.
And so it really does take a village.
Mum with 7 of her 8 grandsons at her 80th birthday celebration.
A photo of Mum I took when she first moved into her new apartment in the Retirement Village. She was 78.
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